People are so accustomed to planning for almost everything in their lives. They plan for the school they want to study at; the career path they want to follow; places they want visit; vacations they want to spend…etc. It gives them a sense of certainty and being in-control. An American Philanthropist – Warren Buffet once said, “a fool with a plan can beat a genius without a plan”.
They even spend thousands of dollars and a lot of time planning for their wedding day, but do they plan for what is coming beyond it? Do they plan for conflicts and put agreements on how do they want to solve them? Do they plan how they want to spend their time and money? Do they plan how they want to be loving partners? Or how do they want to raise their kids? Do they ensure to let go of their old wounds before embracing someone else into their lives?
If you are doing so, then you don’t need to worry, but if you don’t then that is an alarming situation. Until and unless our previous wounds are healed, we are never going to move forward with a new romantic relationship smoothly and happily in our lives. Here, I am highlighting how becoming a ‘ready partner’ can solve many problems before they escalate, or many times before they even happen.
Many people believe that the best way of healing from a broken heart is to get into a new relationship instantly. But this rarely works. It is like covering a wound without first cleaning it. If you do that, the wound may bleed again and this time you might even get an infection. Go slowly into a new relationship. Give yourself time to unwind. Some people might suggest you that one month is an ideal time to wait before going into a new relationship. But I believe that everyone’s healing time is different. Wait until you really feel healed and ready to move forward.
Your experiences make who you are – appreciate what you learned from your previous relationship. Make a note of things that your partner used to complain about frequently: maybe you were too needy or too dominating. Define what you cannot stand in a relationship: maybe your partner was emotionally unavailable or too demanding. Write down as many details as you can. Once you have identified this, it gets easier to watch out for red flags beforehand. It will also help you to understand what went wrong and to define what do you really want in a relationship.
Learn to enjoy your own accompany by spending some time alone. Whether it is walking in the garden, sipping a coffee in a new café, reading a nice book, or watching a movie you love. It is important to be totally comfortable by yourself. You can only share your time with someone when you know what you enjoy most when you are alone. And you can only offer love, peace and support to someone, when you practice them towards yourself first.
People love to connect with someone who has goals in life. Make short-term goals that you want to achieve towards the end of the year. You may want to lose 10 pounds, to quit smoking, to find a new job or shift to a different career, to start eating healthy, to take a course, to learn how to swim or play tennis, or maybe you want to travel to a certain place. Figure out how do you want to improve yourself personally and professionally. Learning something new is like taking baby steps towards renovating yourself which can help improve your future relationship, because this time you are building an independent life and then sharing it with someone else.
When you are over your old wounds; learned your lessons from past experiences/ relationships; learned new skills, and finally have started living an independent life, it is time to meet a ready soulmate who is your right match. Make sure when you start a new relationship, you are attracted to the person – not the idea of a relationship. When you are only focused on having an intimate connection, without giving much care to who are you connecting with, you run the risk of dragging someone into a relationship that is setup for failure. This way you will suffocate them and yourself. And the new relationship may die before it starts to grow.
The best way to find whether or not you are attracted to your new partner, and it is not just the idea of being in an intimate relationship, ask yourself if you can totally be yourself with them and they are totally themselves with you without any fear of being judged or rejected, go back to your list and check if what you need in an intimate relationship can or will be offered by this person when you get married, ask them if you are fulfilling their list, do you enjoy spending time with them? Do they enjoy spending time with you? are you both feeling safe and happy when you talk or meet? Are you both willing to invest your time and energy on building this relationship together? If the answer is yes, then you are really attracted to this person, and it is time to move forward with your relationship.
But don’t forget to setup the agreements! Agreements of how you want to handle conflicts, how do you want to manage money, how do you want to show and receive love, and how do you want to raise your kids together. Allow your relationship to grow in an organic way. Things that grow in a natural way, tend to last longer.
And don’t make quick decisions, either to cut of the relationship or take it to the next step, give time for both of you to know each other well, be open about what do you like and what you don’t like, allow the other person to express their likes and dislikes freely and honestly, and don’t hesitate to bring up things to discuss them together. Treat your relationship like a plant that needs sunlight; room to breathe; and water to absorb in order to grow and flourish.